When thoughts and dreams collide.

[temporus]

Last night I had a dream that I received my first pro story acceptance. (I think I know why, more at the end)  I can't place for certain which market this supposedly was, but I recall being very pleased that it was with the market in question.  I have a suspicion that, in the dream logic of things, this "market" was probably a brain-merged version of Clarkesworld, ROF and Fantasy Magazine.  Because that's the way things happen in your dreams, they seldom bear true relation to reality.  Truth is, if I sold a story to any one of those three, I'd be bouncing off the walls right about now.  Of course, if I sold a story at all right now, I'd be bouncing around the walls.  Seeing as I have no short stories currently making the rounds, and I'm hip deep in revising a novel to give the first readers something to face-palm about, this is one of those dreams that might take a while to become reality.

But you know, maybe it's sign that I need to make some time for the short stories again.  Not stop working on the novel, but to assign some time each week to keep the short story ideas flowing.

As to why I might have had this particular dream last night, I think it was in response to something going through my head as I was driving home from my in-laws with some shelving units in the back of the van while trapped in "shore traffic."   I came to the realization that I have this part of my brain that simply doesn't accept anything short of a pro level sale as proof that I'm worthy of calling myself a writer.  Which is dismissive of the work I've done so far, as well as the successes I've had.  And I think that's crap (intellectually speaking) , but at the same time, it's hard to deny my feeling about it.  Like calling myself a writer is somehow fake, because I don't have that.  And when I put emotion temporarily aside, I have to wonder will I still feel a fake even after that pro sale comes some day?  Will I just assume it's a fluke or a one hit wonder?  Will I set a new bar or standard for myself so that I don't feel accomplished yet with what I'm doing?  Quite likely.  Is that inherently a bad thing?  I don't know.  If I don't let that feeling get in my way, probably not.  As long as I can use it to motivate myself to keep driving forward, I think it's one of those things I can live with.  

Comments

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

With the usual caveats (everyone thinks differently, yadda) it seems to me that if you're not letting that sense get in your way, then go for it. But most of the writers I know have this mirage thing happening--you attain a specific marker just to realize it dissolved around you and there is the real one ahead.

Sale? What about reviews. What about royalties. What about the next sale. Awards? Foreign translations? Film deals? It can go on forever.

I think the only way to stay sane is to try to turn that stuff into goals, and defang the conviction that they confer some kind of magical sense of legitimacy.

[temporus.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I can easily see how you can endlessly chase the dragon.

At the same time, I can't escape the "feeling like a fraud" feeling without putting in some context. If I can't do that, I think I could be lost anyways.

And when all else fails, I just look at my 'I are a Writer' mug from Jon Gibbs and say to myself: see, I are what I are. :)

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Yep.

[jongibbs.livejournal.com]

Writero ergo sum writer ;)

[jongibbs.livejournal.com]

Lol :)

[temporus.livejournal.com]

:P